Sentient Shadows

Kathael proves that enlightenment can be found from underneath the shadow as she relates her personal experiences from frustration to transformation. By Kathael.

I am a seeker of sentient shadows, of whispers in dark thoughts. I wish to transcend mortal fears, by embracing fear itself and finding comfort in constant change and invariable growth. Learning, seeking for answers that very few dare ask.

I wander the world, fueled by the mystery of the Ages and the call of the Goddess. She is everywhere, in every faith. In every city I go, in every quest, I call out to her and offer a candle in places of worship, of any religion. She has blessed me, and to do that she had to challenge me.

I have so much to say, so much I’ve learned within this past year, and these words are a cathartic consequence, permutations of a million thoughts. I apologize now, as my words cannot keep up with my mind.

As most epiphanies go, it starts with debilitating helplessness…and the need to end it. It is easy to curl up and die at the first intimation of pain. Humans are feeble creatures with soft flesh and weak countenance. Even the strongest of us are prone to dangerous thoughts that can lead to the surest end. Surviving the pain of existence is the trickiest of them all.

I endured it for months, I tried to get out but there was no chance for me to. Despite the betrayal and the close proximity of the aggressors. I pretended to carry on, I told my friends I was fine and could laugh, a hollow semblance of joy, but a laugh nonetheless. My mind went in combat mode, immediately. Endure. Breathe and a second would have passed. All misery can be overcome in Time.

It is like trying to survive the exhilarating fear of a roller coaster ride. Just as I see how far up I am, and see the unbelievably steep ride the future holds: I just breathe. I pause. Then, raise my hands up in surrender, scream sometimes, but comforted by the fact that it will all be over in two seconds. Two seconds and soon, my wobbly knees will walk the steady ground. My luminous spirit is from the Goddess and will not be dimmed by petty games of identity crisis and desperate ploys for ersatz happiness.

Matter-of-factly, I carried on. I put my pain in a box, hidden up in the attic of my mind like a token of suffering waiting to be unleashed. I summoned cobwebs of well-practiced evasion, survivalist amnesia, weaving a veil. I accepted that this could be my karma for a past transgression, in this life or a past one, and there is no greater relief than taking your karma head-on.

Karma is not punishment, but cosmic responsibility. It is a means to learn and use this space of not knowing into one of wisdom. This temporary pain is rooted in ignorance, which you can invariably transcend. My soul cocooned itself, a warm embrace of Light in silent, somber healing that is the consequence of acceptance and the first step to moving forward.

I have always been attracted to the complex characters, the insight of those who have plumbed the depths of pain and have overcome it. The mysterious images cast by the deepest shadows paints realism into the otherwise stark pictures of life. Those who are overexposed to the parody of joy, can only taken on Life at face value, which is often mediocre and soulless.

In patiently learning, and taking the broken shards of self, one can only rely on determination and trust that things will ultimately work out. It seems cliché to speak this way, however, that is exactly what happened to me, and in such an extraordinary scale. When I thought I would break in the test, I was given the reason, lightning against the dark sky. Along with that realization, the certainty of something that I knew inwardly I was destined to do, came almost instantaneously. It was then that I realized, all that pain was worth this chance.

Even with this realization, each step was fearful, albeit sure. Assaulted with predefined measures of success, we live in a society that expects us to be the perfect mold of a perfect lie. It takes an astonishing amount of bravery and determination to do your thing.

Get a good paying job, a house, a car, a partner, a child (perhaps) and everyone thinks you’ve made it. Easy. Deep down though, I know that it is not this that will make me happy…this shiny-happy-life made up from another’s dream.

I find myself constantly reassessing my priorities and dissecting them. Is it what I really want? It is so easy to listen to the conventional path to success, set by generations of predictability. It’s much easier to ignore my own mind and simply follow like a lemming, so everyone will be happy, everyone except me. All the while I fear I am blindly ignoring the warning signs in my chosen task. What if I get too afraid to step into my role?

It is daunting, where I’m going. I’m not even sure if I can follow-through. I cannot stress enough how vital it is to know your truth and live by it. Once you’ve found it, it is hard to deny, the certainty in my gut, a belief that I can only do my best with this chance. Wishing for a lucky shot.

Our capacity for Greatness diminishes if we know not Failure, much like how the intensity of pain endured is comparative to our sensitivity to happiness. The greatest mistake, and potentially my worst regret, is not taking the chance.

So, go.


About the Author: KATHAEL is a solitary seeker of ancient cultures and myths. At the age of 18, she discovered that Wicca had been the path she had unknowingly followed all her life. She is a graduate of Computer Engineering (UP Diliman), which for a time sidetracked her from things she is most passionate about. She firmly believes that practitioners should be more focused on the presence of spirituality in magick.

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